13.

Today is my 8th blogiversary, I've passed that 7 year itch. Certainly didn’t think I’d still be going at it for 8 years, crazy looking back on it. Besides school, this must be the longest thing I’ve stuck to continuously. Don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing. I’ve had various thoughts about blogging every year, always very up and down but I think I’m getting to a state of contentment.

When I began I had no clue really what I was really seeking to do, it definitely was a blog of my life. The choice to blog came after a month of rest from an ectopic pregnancy which led me into depression, anxiety and agoraphobia. Yes, it was so bad, going into my garden would bring on an attack. I think I’ve been depressed for many years, from the start of my teens after a traumatic incident, although I’m not really over it, I’ve got on with life since then until the ectopic pregnancy.

Dealing with depression isn’t easy, anyone can become depress, to an extent we all get anxiety before we’re going to do something unfamiliar we get that knot in our stomach, sickly feeling due to the state of unknown – just for some, it’s a lot worse and crippling. As I started this blog, I wrote in depth about how I was feeling, what I was experiencing, even going as far as documenting my time while I was in a mental health unit for the above problems. My one regret is deleting those, I deleted a lot of my posts, when blogging got to its height from 2011, there was a lot of ‘this is how you should blog’ type articles floating about and it was all about tidying up the blogs archive, make your blog about one topic – this is why now I take “blogging rules” with a pinch of salt and do as I please because I’m not forcing anybody to read my blog but I do appreciate those who do. I guess, I stopped writing about it and how I was feeling because it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but then not everybody can be a happy bunny daily.

I’ve been quite lucky that I’ve got friends & family who I can speak too. I’ve noticed widely that mental health within the black community is dismissed a lot. You’ll hear jokes in programmes that ‘Black people don’t go to therapy; we go to church.’ – ‘Black people don’t get depressed.’ Which is bullshit and it annoying. My mum watches programmes about mental health frequently, I think it’s also a way for her to understand. BBC3 aired “Being Black, Going Crazy?” Synopsis: “Black people in the UK are more likely to be diagnosed with mental health problems and to be sectioned. But just why is the community facing such a crisis?”

Then I saw the tweets *rolls eyes* black people on twitter calling it ‘a conspiracy’ … ‘Why does there have to be a negative programme about black people’ … ‘They want people to view Black people as weak’ … ‘Where’s the programmes about successful black people’. My question is: Why does everything have to be a conspiracy? Mental illness does not discriminate and it’s this attitude why it makes it hard for black people to speak up on these issues as they’re afraid people will look at them as less than and weak and to be honest to stand up and say ‘I need help!’ takes a lot of strength because of what you’re going to have to face from ignorant people.

I have been to therapy, first when I was 13 for a minute, then again at 20 for 7 years and now I’m in a new form of therapy which isn’t benefiting me for the better unfortunately. The past month, I’ve been unhappy and felt worse than when I started & to cope developed an eating disorder which is the first time I’m opening up about – some forms of therapy isn’t for everyone but I’m continuously trying to self-heal myself. Like others, I can be pretty hard on myself. Instead of noticing my progress, it's so much easier to beat myself up & say I should of done this - should of done that etc. Taking the time to be grateful but also proud of my accomplishments is something I'm trying to do a lot more. With my anxiety & agoraphobia, alone, I was the one who went to London daily to a make-up school to become a makeup artist, I started up my driving lessons again, passed my theory and practical first time - pat on the back. I'm proud I can say my blog is award winning but I think the award within itself is the fact that, 8 years later, I'm still nurturing it. Depression with or without help, it can be frustrating several days of the week but challenges are. I’d love to be able to do more to raise awareness of mental health in communities – especially within ethnic communities (for reasons above). Maybe that’s my next step?