Wasting My 20s (And I Feel Fine)

When I first started this blog over 6 years ago, I was very open with my struggles it was a mix of beauty + personal life before it did take on more of a beauty aspect and it lost it's personal feel. The topic I was very open on was my newly found struggle of being diagnosed as a manic depressive, suffering with agoraphobia and social anxiety.

This blog was birthed after an ectopic pregnancy where I nearly lost my life, I was a couple hours away from my tube exploding and killing me if they didn't operate quick enough. After spending a month on bed rest and becoming severely depressed and lonely, the agoraphobia & anxiety began to creep in and my health took an even worse turn. I documented my time in a mental health hospital on my blog (many of these post were since deleted) I wanted to show people that you can hit such low moments in life and see them through even if you feel you can't. I get many of those days, I don't speak on them but I feel them and my body takes a hit that I need to hibernate away from life.

Many times I feel, "My God I've wasted my 20's allowing such a thing affect me and rule my days ", because unless people have been there, they can't understand, most days I myself can't comprehend or put into words my feelings & thoughts but that feeling of being worthless is there. I just want to sleep and I do, energy levels and motivation is low. It's hard to maintain an identity with so much else going on inside. Taking that day, one at a time. Not predicting what mood the next day will show. Difficult not just for myself but others around me. Family & friends try to help and do help where they can and the baby steps feel they've taken so long but on reflection it's become a step forward with a few step backs but progression is there. Honestly I feel the depression has been there since I was 13, I went through a traumatic time and I had to grow up quickly, I had to deal with a lot of heartache and readjust my life. I swept most of that under the rug after a year and a half and didn't deal with it.

I decided to go back on my medication in December. That was a rough month for me, it's why my blogging lacked and I withdrew socially, I nearly lost the battle. I couldn't cope and when that huge wave of depression sweeps over me, I don't have the best ways of dealing with it, people know now if I disappear off WhatsApp, things are deactivated, I'm going through bad times. I withdraw from everyone and everything. The inward battle is real. I've also looked at is as a blessing in disguise, people cannot handle something they can't understand it's easier for them to walk away and be around someone that's 'less complicated'. Those people, you don't need, that mentality and negativity. Love from family and friends is shown by those who stick with you during those fun & sad times. Opening up to friends and family it's not easy but it allows others to be your rock when you're feeling weak just to know you're loved and there's people who are willing to be that support.

Social anxiety in the past few years has seen a lot of people come out and say they too suffer with it. The last 6 years has been a battle health wise because for the majority of my youth I was very outgoing, outspoken and shy was the last word you would associate with me but combine anxiety with a phobia and a mental illness, it's crippling.

Living with agoraphobia / social anxiety makes me quite dependant on others. There's the fear panic attacks can happen, needing to have someone with me for piece of mind and comfort. Don't get me wrong I've made baby steps and managed to do a lot alone and jumped in feet first and survived. I rely on impulse because if I have to sit and let something marinate, the anxiety builds and I don't want to do it. It becomes harder, being around people, in that unknown crowd, how am I going to feel?

The biggest step to make is admitting you need help. There's nothing wrong with seeking help. You're not seeking attention or below anyone else or even weak for reaching out. You've made the biggest step of all with realising that you want to get better, understand and control whatever it is you are dealing with rather than it letting it control you. I wish it could be an overnight success, nearly 7 years on and I'm still working on myself with counselling.

I do suffer from low self-esteem with myself. I do wish there was that part of me who use to be out-going and could do whatever, whenever. Realistically I've got 3 years left until my 30's but I feel this was my path. The ideas I had at 19 vanished - the woman I was becoming began to change drastically and I've had to spend nearly 7 years getting to know who this new part of me is. Isn't that growth? Changing, adapting, knowing how to let that one mistake go but learn from it.

I believe our 20s are the hardest labour of them all. Getting to know who we are as adults. So much changes from our young adulthood, jobs change & end. Teenage sweethearts die or leave us for girls who use to be Charlie Sheen's goddesses. Our friend circles becoming smaller and we begin to value that word acquaintances. Some people are just lucky and can sail through it but that's not all of us. I've made progression as I've said, I can do little things alone (on impulse most times), I studied to be a make-up artist, taking myself to Soho daily. Made new friends. Kept blogging and just kept at life cause that's what I've got to do to proceed but it's still there, it's still apart of who I am but it's not all of me.

The biggest goal I've set is to love & understand myself. Once my mental strength is there I can be there for others who need it as I can give the best of me.

After all I've got to be me forever, right?!
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