Wasting My 20s (And I Feel Fine)

When I first started this blog over 6 years ago, I was very open with my struggles it was a mix of beauty + personal life before it did take on more of a beauty aspect and it lost it's personal feel. The topic I was very open on was my newly found struggle of being diagnosed as a manic depressive, suffering with agoraphobia and social anxiety.

This blog was birthed after an ectopic pregnancy where I nearly lost my life, I was a couple hours away from my tube exploding and killing me if they didn't operate quick enough. After spending a month on bed rest and becoming severely depressed and lonely, the agoraphobia & anxiety began to creep in and my health took an even worse turn. I documented my time in a mental health hospital on my blog (many of these post were since deleted) I wanted to show people that you can hit such low moments in life and see them through even if you feel you can't. I get many of those days, I don't speak on them but I feel them and my body takes a hit that I need to hibernate away from life.

Many times I feel, "My God I've wasted my 20's allowing such a thing affect me and rule my days ", because unless people have been there, they can't understand, most days I myself can't comprehend or put into words my feelings & thoughts but that feeling of being worthless is there. I just want to sleep and I do, energy levels and motivation is low. It's hard to maintain an identity with so much else going on inside. Taking that day, one at a time. Not predicting what mood the next day will show. Difficult not just for myself but others around me. Family & friends try to help and do help where they can and the baby steps feel they've taken so long but on reflection it's become a step forward with a few step backs but progression is there. Honestly I feel the depression has been there since I was 13, I went through a traumatic time and I had to grow up quickly, I had to deal with a lot of heartache and readjust my life. I swept most of that under the rug after a year and a half and didn't deal with it.

I decided to go back on my medication in December. That was a rough month for me, it's why my blogging lacked and I withdrew socially, I nearly lost the battle. I couldn't cope and when that huge wave of depression sweeps over me, I don't have the best ways of dealing with it, people know now if I disappear off WhatsApp, things are deactivated, I'm going through bad times. I withdraw from everyone and everything. The inward battle is real. I've also looked at is as a blessing in disguise, people cannot handle something they can't understand it's easier for them to walk away and be around someone that's 'less complicated'. Those people, you don't need, that mentality and negativity. Love from family and friends is shown by those who stick with you during those fun & sad times. Opening up to friends and family it's not easy but it allows others to be your rock when you're feeling weak just to know you're loved and there's people who are willing to be that support.

Social anxiety in the past few years has seen a lot of people come out and say they too suffer with it. The last 6 years has been a battle health wise because for the majority of my youth I was very outgoing, outspoken and shy was the last word you would associate with me but combine anxiety with a phobia and a mental illness, it's crippling.

Living with agoraphobia / social anxiety makes me quite dependant on others. There's the fear panic attacks can happen, needing to have someone with me for piece of mind and comfort. Don't get me wrong I've made baby steps and managed to do a lot alone and jumped in feet first and survived. I rely on impulse because if I have to sit and let something marinate, the anxiety builds and I don't want to do it. It becomes harder, being around people, in that unknown crowd, how am I going to feel?

The biggest step to make is admitting you need help. There's nothing wrong with seeking help. You're not seeking attention or below anyone else or even weak for reaching out. You've made the biggest step of all with realising that you want to get better, understand and control whatever it is you are dealing with rather than it letting it control you. I wish it could be an overnight success, nearly 7 years on and I'm still working on myself with counselling.

I do suffer from low self-esteem with myself. I do wish there was that part of me who use to be out-going and could do whatever, whenever. Realistically I've got 3 years left until my 30's but I feel this was my path. The ideas I had at 19 vanished - the woman I was becoming began to change drastically and I've had to spend nearly 7 years getting to know who this new part of me is. Isn't that growth? Changing, adapting, knowing how to let that one mistake go but learn from it.

I believe our 20s are the hardest labour of them all. Getting to know who we are as adults. So much changes from our young adulthood, jobs change & end. Teenage sweethearts die or leave us for girls who use to be Charlie Sheen's goddesses. Our friend circles becoming smaller and we begin to value that word acquaintances. Some people are just lucky and can sail through it but that's not all of us. I've made progression as I've said, I can do little things alone (on impulse most times), I studied to be a make-up artist, taking myself to Soho daily. Made new friends. Kept blogging and just kept at life cause that's what I've got to do to proceed but it's still there, it's still apart of who I am but it's not all of me.

The biggest goal I've set is to love & understand myself. Once my mental strength is there I can be there for others who need it as I can give the best of me.

After all I've got to be me forever, right?!
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  1. Halima17/1/15

    I think you're right about our twenties, they are a time of discovery. The problem is that popular culture often presents people in their twenties of 'having it together', which is some kind of unattainable false hope. Also the internet doesn't really help, as the people on it often want to show us 'the best of them' and leave out entirely anything negative, giving the designed illusion that their lives are perfect.

    So when you write a post like this, or like the one I did on haters, that opens up a little window into normality, instead of the airbrushed personas often present on the internet. This is a good post, and shows what you've had to deal with to get to where you are now. So be proud and above all be yourself!

    LimaMonroe xo

  2. Sharon17/1/15

    Bless you honey! I love this post and thank you for opening up to us. You have had a lot to deal with but we gotta appreciate some of these moments for they have made you stronger. The struggle is usually long and sad but when we come out the other end we will be much wiser and look at life from a different perspective. I couldn't agree more the 20s is the most challenging. I myself have gone through some ups and downs some of which you know and sometimes I feel so lonely and down but I have promised myself to be positive and strong not just for myself but for my loved ones and everyone that I interact with. It's not going to be easy but it's going to be worth it. I need you to be strong, look in the mirror tell yourself you are beautiful ,ambitious and a blessing to this world. The past cannot control you anymore. May you be filled with so much peace , love and happiness. Love ya girl xx

  3. I can relate to many of the things you said above.

    I too sometimes feel that my 20s have slipped me by. And in some ways it is absolutely true. I sometimes have trouble differentiating years, but the truth is that when you are in such a deep dark hole, things happen differently. And yes, when you try to explain it to someone else who hasn't been through it you see the puzzled faces. Damn, I was one of those "they just need to pull themselves together" people until it happened to me. I considered myself strong until I was not.

    And yes, there are feelings of being worthless. I recently read another blogger's post on the Impostor Syndrom and it could have come out of my own mouth. I doubt myself at work, at home, with my friends... when I receive a nice word instead of being happy I will twist it and look for the hidden meaning, for the trick, for the condescension. And honestly, it is exausting.

    Thankfuly, things have changed. I am no longer that person who made his father cry when she flew home for his bday after two months of avoiding all kinds of communication. However, I know that it still lurks in there. One day at a time is the only way to go. And being aware of your own tells so you can avoid falling as deep as before.

    A big hug

  4. Kelly glen17/1/15

    Thank you for writing this very honest post. I can relate to a lot of what you have written. I feel like I have wasted most of my life to number of mental health problems. I have let it take over and control my life. When things are very bad it seems like there is no hope but I like to think that one day I will be able to beat these illnesses and try and lead a normal life whatever that might be.
    Take care and all the best.

  5. Thank you for sharing this on your blog. I hope that you will learn to live with that part of you and you will find a peaceful path to follow, your own.
    As you said, you're getting better so it will keep getting better.

    I never was diagnosed with depression, but four years ago I went through a very heartbreaking and challenging time and I think that somehow I'm still stuck there.
    I still have to finish uni and I have a lot of passions that I somewhat disregard because I lack the will to dedicate myself to something 100% with steadiness.
    The 20s are the years of discovering who you are, but even though I'm 27 like you, I don't think I completely know who I am just yet.

    But this year I want to do some baby steps and hopefully become more like the person I want to be rather than the one my fears make me be.

    Many wishes to you,
    a hug.

  6. Hi Graphie,

    Thank you for reading & commenting. I also do hope I can learn to live with this part of me, after all this is the only me I have until my time is up. I think it's just hard to remember how far I've come when times are low and difficult as I'm living in that low moment.

    I believe it takes a long time but those 20s are that start of 'adulthood' when things start to piece together and we begin to experience new stuff but I've read a lot of people now see the 40s as the new 20s but that's a far way to go but I think if you look at those baby steps it's always progression. There's the will and I honestly hope you do become that person you want to be.

    Love & Light xo

  7. Thank you for reading and commenting :)

    It really can feel like that and in hindsight probably has for a lot of us because it's finding a way to adapt as you've been use to a certain way before such a drastic change.

    You definitely will do, if you believe and try. I know those hard days are dark and seem pointless to move on but that's how it goes. I have them and understand. I'm looking to try Cognitive Behaviour Therapy as it's a way of changing the thinking of when those moments arise.

    Love & Light xo

  8. Yes! I think the majority of us were and can be the " just pull yourself together, things can't be that bad" type because unless it happens to you or to someone around you, you'll never know the affect and way of life it leads. There's always something going on around us and in the world but everyone's personal struggle is hard to them.

    Imposter Syndrome. Yes! I can also be quite like that, you deflect and look for the negative in any praise and compliment that someone gives. I find it very difficult I always wonder if someone's saying it for a reason & pick out something that's possibly not there. I've numerously been told 'Just accept the compliment and say thank you!' It can be exhausting. I understand this.

    I hope you can overcome these thoughts and actions towards yourself. It's amazing how it can come into our life and take such a while to work out and live with.

    You made a big step flying home to see your dad and I bet it felt so good for him and even more for yourself. A sign of change. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and life continue to take those daily steps and you'll get there.

    Love & Light xo

  9. Hello my love. Thank you for reading. We do have to appreciate these moments because that change and experience has given me and whoever goes through a hardship that courage and strength to keep going forward.

    Yes we have shared quite a bit over a penship, which I have valued and hey who says we can't just have those lonely and down days. We are humans with feelings and things get to us and challenge our life. Our emotions do not only affect us but those around us and it's hard and at times I feel selfish for allowing people around me when I'm feeling a certain way which is why I retreat but sometimes it's not a good thing. You knowing that you have to be strong for yourself and others and be that Sharon they've always loved and you know but don't feel that it's wrong to feel upset sometimes, it doesn't make us weak. Sometimes that cry can feel therapeutic.

    That's such a positive sentence and ahh made me teary - thank you so much girl. Much love & blessings to you. Love you too xo

  10. There's a lot of social pressure around us to be sorted in our 20s when it's only just the beginning. Even those who get it young sometimes don't have it all together as perceived it is the designed illusion as you said. There's good & bad with everything but it seems to be forgotten as everything is glossed over.

    The posts that do show other sides show others that people can achieve goals and come a long way even if there is a personal struggle within or from others. Life is one big lesson that never ends and we may never know who we are as we are always changing but we've just got to learn to love and appreciate who we are and how far we've come.

    LimaMonroe xo

  11. Victoria7/2/15

    I just found you through comments on another blog. I think it's cool that your sharing your mental health. I'm 16 and I've been dealing with mental health issues since I was 12 when I was diagnosed with OCD, Agoraphobia, and Dysthymia. I can't relate to having my 20s gone, because I'm not there yet, but my teen years are just flying by. Because of my severe anxiety and depression, I went into homeschooling at 12 and I've been in it since. Sometimes I do feel sad at the fact that I don't have a high school experience, but then I look at all of the accomplishments I've made (I'm set to graduate this year, 2 years early) and then it seems minuscule. I truly believe that things happen for a reason. I don't know if I would call it "wasting time", I would probably call it making the most out of what we got. x (Sorry for the long post and sorry that I'm a little late.)

  12. Hi Victoria,

    Sorry for my late response to you! I'm glad that you found my post :) Yeah I had that feeling with my teens too. I feel I've been depressed since I was 13 and a lot of things happened and my school years were gone due to problems I stayed at home.

    I understand how bad it can get and your home becomes your safety. Yet that's absolutely amazing you're graduating 2 years early. Congrats!! I'm proud and any accomplishment isn't minuscule remember that. It's even harder when you're battling things so for you to manage and still focus - that's fab!

    Yeah I feel I call it 'wasting' because when people look from the outside, they compare and I hear them side talking that my life's going to waste and I'm not doing what so and so is doing but I've got my own accomplishments and tbh mental health isn't something everyone will understand nor want to understand.

    Carry on just progressing, no matter how long it takes you. You'll one day find that balance of being an introvert and extrovert. I'm still finding mine. It's hard but you know what like you said things happen for a reason!

    Thanks for reading and commenting - it's never too late to read and share xo

  13. Victoria12/2/15

    Yep, I agree. Thanks. :)